THE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LISTEN TO YOU

OK, the people I am referring to HEAR you as you speak, but are they really listening?

Case in point

A business acquaintance I have met several times before today's breakfast, is a great story teller with lots of experience in our trade.  He might be a good person to introduce me to clients.

After 20 minutes of talking about how good he is in listening, he said to me, "I don't know what you really do."

I could not believe he meant that.  But he did.

One year and four meetings later, I am at a quandary to know how to be heard better by people who have a need to speak but really not to "engage".  In fact, I would tend not to introduce him to my clients for that reason alone.

Reminds me of some of the executives I advise.

Any suggestions?

I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE HEARING ME!

After interviewing 8 managers yesterday about their most difficult people, virtually everyone was found expert in describing expectations..."I need these reports on time -or- isn't it logical we move forward on the sale of your business[?]."

But these managers were not having their expectations met...for a long time.

Why?

They may feel they are listening, but not to the extent the other person feels understood.  Without that you will be perceived as pushing your agenda as more important than their view.

How can we better get in someone else's shoes?  By asking questions...which will get us to the real problem[s] of why there is non-compliance.  Try "what" and "how" questions.

Sounds like, "what is going on to prevent you from meeting these deadlines?" Then really listen to the point where the other person feels heard!

Or..."help me better understand..."

SUCCESS - MOTIVATION

Donna, a client's manager, has experienced high levels of stress on the job and is burnt out and thinking of resigning.

Bob, her President, surprisingly reached out to Donna that totally changed her perspective of her job.

Donna:

 

"Bob, the results for the 12 Lake audit came out yesterday and I am so sorry it was such a complicated audit.  I tried my best to supervise Mary when I had both businesses, but found it so difficult to supervise the finances for 13 people when I managed both branches. "

Bob:

"You could never let me down in a million years. Your abilities shine through in everything you do and we are so lucky to have you here. Sometimes, we are all faced with difficult situations and I am sure you provided a lot of support to Mary. I am glad you don’t have to manage all those finances anymore!

With gratitude and respect, Bob"

An investment of one minute to write the reply to Donna, resulting in a 180 degree shift in motivation.  POWERFUL!

EXECUTIVE STRESS?

OK! If you never feel stress on the job or at home about the job, please delete this message.

Whenever one of my clients are stressed, I quickly find out if it has to do with things and people they have no control over.

Yes, focus on what you do have control over and that source of stress diminishes.

As important: getting control where you have avoided difficult conversations, including avoiding what you perceive as conflict.

Oh!  Who do you  trust to talk to about stress? Talk is important to relieving stress.

YOUR INFLUENCE

THE GREATEST OPPORTUNITY FOR THOSE PEOPLE NEEDING TO INFLUENCE OTHERS:

1.    Catch yourself making assumptions about the other person, be it a peer, manager, internal and external customers.

2.    Engage to the point THEY think you know them, their strengths and challenges. Reframe your relationship based on directly obtained facts.

A CEO client described his growth strategy to me, little of which was based on what his current customers thought of his company, or how he could be better than his competitors that his customers were happy to share.

People supporting trading desks:  They think they know how to work best to bring traders into compliance on a deal.  But how do they know?  Assumptions, not feedback.

 

Get your brain totally turned off so you can listen to others...they will then tell you what they need and why; and you can then better influence them on their terms, not what you thought [your terms] would work.

LACK OF CONFIDENCE WHEN BOSS = PARENT

I am convinced that American businesses are structured by the family dynamics we experienced earlier in life, then again as we became parents. So "bosses" act as parents relating to their staff and employees as their children seeking approval.

This family model in the corporate world has been reinforced by my consulting to multi-generational family businesses where the parents struggle to have confidence in the next generation to succeed them.

That becomes the standard followed by a sense of reduced confidence in those wishing to succeed you.

The solution?

Take off the parent hat and the subservient child hat and speak with each other as being on the same team.

Case in point from those conversations:

n  "Now that we are focused on my 30 year old son still being an adolescent, I can see that I enable that to happen by still paying his rent and buying him cars."

n  Me: "Mary, your son is getting mixed messages from you.  When are you going to help him be successful?"  Mary immediately leaves the meeting, saying: "I am leaving to see my attorney to establish the trust we have talked about.  Bye."

n  "If I put my daughter in charge, that will be the 4th generation of a family member taking over...but I simply do not believe she is capable.  In fact she has the same issues I struggled with when taking over the business."

As a manager, your lack of confidence in others may simply be the parent in you always striving to be the best you can...but at the expense of others wanting to live up to their full potential!

HOW WOULD YOU DEAL WITH TOM?

As I walked past my executive client' office, Tom, he stood up abruptly and motioned me into his office.  Seems that Susan, his star staff manager had put pressure on one of her employees who then came in to talk with Tom.

"Alan, would you mind accompanying me to talk with Susan?"

So I did. As soon as Tom laid on table the situation, Susan started a lengthy speech about why she was justified in handling her employee the way she did...but missed the point Tom has made about motivating the employee vs. criticizing them.

Susan got louder and louder, interrupting Tom and holding on to her position for 10 minutes. Tom gave up and decided to approach Susan at a later date.

The good news: an executive faces conflict head on.

The bad news: my last 200 clients all avoid conflict that is disruptive to the organization [except 4].

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN COACHING TOM AFTER HE WALKED OUT OF SUSAN'S OFFICE?